Die Harder Ratings
June 20, 2007
Last week's e-mail regarding the
value of wine ratings stirred up the pot. What about the opposite of the
spectrum? What about rating the wines of the true, diehard
wino! Check out the rankings at www.bumwine.com
Here are some excerpts, but be sure to go
to the site for more skid row wines -
Thunderbird
17.5% alc. by vol.
As pictured
to the left, look for the pigeon feces and you'll find this old bird. As
soon as you taste this swill, it will be obvious that its makers cut every
corner possible in its production to make it cheap. Self-proclaimed as
"The American Classic," Thuderbird is Vinted and bottled by E&J Gallo Winery, in in Modesto, CA.
Disguised like Night Train, the label says that it is made by "Thunderbird,
Ltd." If your taste buds are shot, and you need to get trashed with a
quickness, then "T-bird" is the drink for you. Or, if you like to smell
your hand after pumping gas, look no further than Thunderbird. As you
drink on, the bird soars higher while you sink lower. The undisputed
leader of the five in foulness of flavor, we highly discourage driking this
ghastly mixture of unknown chemicals unless you really are a bum. A
convenience store clerk in Show Low, AZ once told me that only the oldest of
stumbling indian drunks from the reservation buy Thunderbird. Avaliable in
750 mL and a devastating 50 oz jug.
The
history of Thunderbird is as interesting as the drunken effects the one
experiences from the wine. When Prohibition ended, Ernest Gallo and his
brothers Julio and Joe wanted to corner the young wine market. Earnest
wanted the company to become "the Campbell Soup company of the wine industry" so
he started selling Thunderbird in the ghettos around the country. Their
radio adds featured a song that sang, "What's the word? / Thunderbird / How's it
sold? / Good and cold / What's the jive? / Bird's alive / What's the price? /
Thirty twice." It is said that Ernest once drove through a tough, inner
city neighborhood and pulled over when he saw a bum. When Gallo rolled
down his window and called out, "What's the word?" the immediate answer from the
bum was, "Thunderbird."
WARNING:
This light yellow liquid turns your lips and mouth black! A mysterious
chemical reaction similar to disappearing-reappearing ink makes you look like
you've been chewing on hearty clumps of charcoal.
Night Train Express
17.5%
alc. by vol.
Don't let the 0.5% less alcohol by
volume fool you, the Night Train is all business when it pulls into the
station. All aboard to nowhere - woo wooo! The night train runs only
one route: sober to stupid with no roundtrip tickets available, and a strong
liklihood of a train wreck along the way. This trainyard favorite is
vinted and bottled by E&J Gallo Winery, in in
Modesto, CA. Don't bother looking on their web page, because they dare not
mention it there. As a clever disguise, the label says that it is made by
"Night Train Limited." Some suspect that Night Train is really just
Thunderbird with some Kool-Aid-like substance added to try to mask the Clorox
flavor. Some of our researchers indicated that it gave them a NyQuil-like
drowsiness, and perhaps this is why they put "night" in the name. The
picture (above right) shows that the subject that drank Night Train is down for
the count, while the Cisco guzzling subject is ready to rock. Guaranteed
to tickle your innards.
Ripple
?% alc. by vol.
I get a
lot of requests to review "Ripple" wine. We would LOVE to review this
drink, but apparently this wine vanished many years ago. We could not even
find a picture of it on the internet anywhere, although it is mentioned several
places. Bum Wine enthusiast Tesko came across Ripple in an episode of
"Sanford and Son" called "The Party Crasher" from season 3, and we were able to grab
screen shots below and this sound clip: sanford_son-ripple.mp3
Be certain not to miss the above link to the "Sanford
and Son" sound clip.
Hope you enjoy the humor.
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